The Art of War… ish.

Chapter One
Making Of Plans

Master Sun said:
War never changes
It is a place
Of life and death,
A road
To survival and extinction,
A matter
To be pondered carefully.

When deciding whether to go to war
Or remain in peace
Flip a coin
If one flip decides upon peace
Try for the best three out of five

Chapter Two
Waging War

Master Sun said:
When your weapons are dulled,
Your ardor damped,
Your strength exhausted and your treasure spent,
Other chieftains will spring up
To take advantage of your extremity

At this time you should
Ask the enemy for a time out
So that your men can rest
And their weapons can be sharpened

Chapter Three
Attack By Strategem

Master Sun said:
Ultimate excellence lies
Not in winning
Every battle,
But in defeating the enemy
Without even fighting.
So try to concentrate hard enough
To make the enemy’s heads explode;
Perhaps by training on watermelon first
And working your way up to humans

Chapter Four
Tactical Dispositions

Master Sun said:
Position is key
To success in battle.
When planning your angle of attack,
Make sure you are directly facing the harsh rays of the sun;
This will make it easier for your men
To tell what time it is,
Giving you a distinct advantage

Chapter Five
Weak Points And Strong

Master Sun said:
You can be sure of succeeding
In your attacks if you only attack
Places which are undefended;
Therefore you must not attack
Until the enemy is at their most vulnerable;

Like when their entire army
Removes their armor
Wanders from the safety of their camps
To drop deuces in a ditch
Then they all fall asleep in that ditch
At exactly the same time
Attack at this moment
And only this moment
And you will be victorious

Chapter Six

Master Sun said:
If your men hear a strange sound
In the middle of the night
The best tactical maneuver available
Is to have everyone split up
And wander aimlessly in the woods
By themselves
While yelling “Hello?”

Chapter Seven
The Use Of Spies

Master Sun said:
All warfare is based
On deception;
Have your army dress themselves
In the enemy’s clothing
And sneak into their camp before dawn;
Then, when they least expect it,
Have your men disembowel themselves

Your enemy will think a large number
Of their own men have died
Score one for
Team awesome

Chapter Eight

Master Sun said:
An army with higher ground
Is at a distinct advantage;
If you find yourself on a level battlefield
Have your men drop their weapons
And stand on one another’s backs
Forming a giant pyramid
With the man at the very top wielding a sword
This height advantage should make him
More powerful than an entire army

Chapter Nine
The Attack By Fire

Master Sun said:
There are six ways of attacking with fire
The first is to burn soldiers in their camp;
The second is to burn stores;
The third is to burn baggage trains;
The fourth is to burn arsenals and magazines;
The fifth is to hurl dropping fire amongst the enemy;
The sixth is to set all of your provisions on fire
And hope your enemy steps on them by mistake

Master Sun said:
Take these tactics which have proven
Disastrous on the battlefield
And bind them into a volume;
Then make sure it falls
Into the hands of my enemies
Who will be eager to use
My strategies against me

But don’t write this part
You’re not writing this
Are you
Okay good


February 18, 2008 - Posted by | humor

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